Reflecting on the year 2023, I have not lived the best life, been in depression, tried ending it all, by ending it all- I meant every possible way of ending 'it'. But I am pretty much still alive, still breathe in the life that was given to me 28 years ago. I was in the car with my best friend, Grace last night and we had talks about life, new things and stuff. I felt like I needed to share my past struggles to her and how Grace had helped me by just being there and being the Grace she is. Grace if you're reading this, you are a heaven sent in time of need, and I am glad God had sent you to Miri to teach! It pains me seeing you're having a little difficulty adjusting to life in my little hometown and your new workplace, but I believe God did not send you here just to be a teacher and His plans are bigger than all of our plans.
As I was saying, I was in a war with my own little mind. I have always had these little voices in my head saying, I am not good enough, I did not deserve this and that, the reasons people are leaving me is because I suck, unlovable little skank, and the reason why I was getting in troubles because I deserve it for seeking out worldly love and so much negativity was running in my mind 24/7. I journaled about how I was doing, and at the same time I was trying to leave my final wishes because I was so ready to be unalive from overdosing with bottles of pills and knifed myself out. The hardest part about this, I had no one to talk to about my problems, not even my own parents. I wished I wasn't born, then all these problems and life issues would not be of my burden to bear. But it was that one particularly night before my PhD viva, I had the most supernatural night of my life. Fast forward, I received my PhD degree and got myself back on the run, living in the Fullness of God. I even graduated top of the class, I was among the Top 20% of 500 Ph.D. students graduated last year.
The night that made me believe that God is reaching out to me again.
I remembered I just bawled my eyes out, praying even when I did not feel clean and deserving. Honestly, in some of the nights I woke up singing gospel songs, it was as if my mouth opened on its own, because my soul needs Him, my soul felt dry that it needs Jesus to fill it again with grace and peace and honestly, His presence. Fast forward, I truly believed I had an encounter with Jesus on that night. I tested the spirit itself (1 John 4:1) by asking questions, and I just knew in my soul it was Him, that all the nights I spent waking up to praise him, has filled my soul back like a water and it was Him saying He will always be there in my time of needs, in my comings and goings.
I told Grace, back then when I was very depressive and thinking of ending it all, I couldn't even pray and there was always a chocking sensation that prevented me from saying the prayer. I have let the darkness in, and frankly I thought I was doing okay, with all that episodes and trembles, and anxieties when I should have spent more time listening to His word, meditating and praying. But that one night changed me forever. The life is like a soil, and our soul is the seed God had planted when we came to this earth, it needs to be watered constantly, without water, the seed would not grow. The reason why some people feel empty and dried out, is because they are not reading the Word of God and communicated with Him. I remember when I could not pray because I felt chocked, I just cried the whole night until I felt sleepy and went to sleep. The God of all comfort keeps watch over your weeping. He gathers up all your tears and puts them in his bottle (Psalm 56:8). Like a mother sitting beside her child's sickbed, God marks every sigh of discomfort and pain.
In all honesty, 2023 may not be great but He taught my feet to dance upon disappointments in life. He made me alive again. Literally. This is an encouragement to everyone reading, God is always there, say the prayer, say whatever you feel, cry when you could not speak, or be mad at Him because coming to God with our anger and frustration is not sin but the first step of faith. The second thing is a fact that is almost overlooked: the harsh and sometimes seemingly inappropriate words of the Psalms were inspired by God for us to say, sing, and pray. God will always embrace you like how He has before. He is the only who can satisfy our soul.
If you are struggling in some aspects of your life, or just in need of a friend to talk to, let's be friends! You are not alone and God's got you. I've got you.
Reach out using one of these!
Dr. Aaronn Avit Ajeng